A Day

A good day in general. Cranked out an essay first period--no pre-writing, and managed to scrape a C on the maths test I was pretty sure I'd flat out failed. Then, I spent lunch hanging with Kathleen, but not Kevin, though I did almost say "Hi", but then I remembered that he'd put me off again. I supposed it to mean we needed space. Speaking of space, I just deactivated my facebook account, and plan to keep it deactivated until Thanksgiving, just so I don't fuck up my grades going into vacation. Also, in music, I brought my violin, and didn't fuck up to badly. It's a world of difference playing on my violin versus playing the crappy little school violin that I'm totally lucky to be allowed to play when I forget my violin like an irresponsible child (9 out of 10 times). In English we were talking Realism, and I always love talking everyone's head off in English. Good books we'll be reading next year; I know because I've already read them all. I hate to sound like a show-off when I'm talking about what I've read, but I hate even more to sound clueless when pressed for details which I can't remember for some of the books. But, good convo anyway. Then, Blake and Daniel gave me half of the credit for suggesting that they Unionize the Jazz Band, in order to form a resistance to their much hated Band Instructor; rather than count on the bravery of the general class population--to officially bring them together for negotiation, or mass class-dropping. They really hate that Band Director. He doesn't seem so awful to me, but I'd believe it, since so many have said horrible things about him. Esteban told the guy to fuck off some time ago, and was subsequently kicked out of the class-- I wonder why?!
He gave me his broken sunglasses as I was leaving, and for some reason I was still holding on to them when my dad and I were discussing my summer medical school thing that I was "nominated" for. He says it could mean a whole lot to colleges, so no matter the price, it's worth it. But, I have my doubts. Dad crashed into the curb, and busted a tire on my baby (the Prius) and I saw it too, I said "WATCH OUT FOR THE--" He didn't stop. Crunch. My baby! Then, we all freaked as the air quickly squeezed out of our tire. Dad didn't see the curb or the flat tire, but I did! So, we stopped and got a lift from Gretchen's Auto. Nice guy too. And, it was sort of fun being in a big truck. While we were waiting, I somehow managed to cut open my knuckle. A boy in a car that was passing by looked at me with frightened eyes when we made eye contact, for some reason, and there was the rear view mirror ornament's shadow over one of his eyes, and then in the middle of his forehead and on his mouth--a Christian Cross. It was a strange sight to see. I wonder what about me he found so frightening. The Auto man, Todd, I think his name was, said he was sort of glad his son wasn't too bright, cause it meant he'd have someone to boat with, and needn't waste money on college. I like his mentality. His son is in my year and goes to Milikan, where many of my friends go, so my Dad so naively said "He must know some of your friends." and Todd said, "Not if they're smart." And he laughed. Boy wouldn't that be an awesome life? To just boat and work on cars--things you enjoyed, and not have to worry about money or school. It makes me wonder. Then, I got home and wasted time on the banjitar. Esteban asked out my freshman friend Emily, and a bunch of other girls since me, apparently. I'm not surprised by this.

Oh yeah, and back on planet people...

Meghan got played by the devil. Her boyfriend cheated on her, she cried, but still took it better than I'd ever have been able to have.

Esteban seemed quite the man, rather protective, he even told me to give her his number just in case she needed someone to talk to---which she doesn't---aside from me, her multitudes of female friends, and her close family-- Meghan has a tight network of hopeful lads who were waiting for just such a chance to comfort her in her time of need. Meghan is drop-dead gorgeous, so I'm not surprised. I'm not even that stung by jealousy, Meghan is too much of a funny amazing friend to feel jealousy for, even when I suspect no act of manly heroism on Esteban's part would go without ulterior motives. But, at least it seems a kindly gesture, and we're on positive friend-like terms. It's great. You can't hope for more in men.

Nia and I are going to start an Indie Duet. Indie, because we know nothing else and because it's what we love and it's were we'd draw inspiration, and because though Nia is an amazing singer and guitarist, I hate a voice that was meant for showers and my guitar playing is clumsy at best. Lo-fi it is then!

I can substitute talent with passion, she can make up for my voice with her own talent. Things are good. I may even have something to look forward to! (O-m-g!)

Priorities

Get Decent Grades-

• Stop Checking Facebook
• Keep a To-Do List
• Stick to Schedule
• Work Now, Play Later
• Check Schoolloop Before Facebook
• Stop All Work at 10:00
• Don't Miss School

Stop Being A Whiny Dramatic Little Shit-

• If you have a problem, find out a way to solve it before you whine about it!
• If you haven't tried EVERYTHING then don't act like it's beyond your power
• If it is beyond your power seek quiet help, or forget about it
• Friends/Strangers/Acquaintances/Relativesfromoutofstate are not there to be your mother, your therapist, or your punching bag
• If you feel sick, go home, don't whine about it to everyone in the area. Nobody gives a fuck.
• Ask first how someone is doing before you launch into how you are feeling.
• Spend more time listening that talking

Clean Up Your Act-

• Start with your personal space, and work outward from there
• If you drink from a cup or plate, clean it up afterwards. Be responsible for what you've used.
• Fold clothes before the school week has started.
• Showers should last as long as you would be willing to wait for someone to shower before you.
• Keep your workspace organized
• Keep your backpack organized
• Recycle Unneeded Papers

Be The Better Person-

• Don't complain when you've been wronged, let others know that they can not harm you by moving on with your life.
• Do not put down anyone who is not there to defend themselves
• Don't assume that everyone is against you
• Don't take the defensive stance; don't argue or justify--just explain when asked. Don't assume you are being judged or persecuted. Don't play the guilty part. Don't play the victim. Say it as you see it, be sweet and open, not indignant.
• Don't cuss. If you must express anger, find a constructive way to express it.
• Don't regret what has been done, or what can not be fixed
• Don't look for the flaws in people and things, look for the highlights, and make it a point to bring them out, don't even put yourself down, because you may be putting down something in you that others have in common with you.

This Must Stop

Kitty Kendricks hey fern,guesswhathappened today?
ivegot anessay duetomorrowandmy stupid spacebarbroke......
17 hours ago · Comment · Like · See friendship
Nick Heiderman and Cassie Donahue like this.
Fern Siri Wilson Woahh. that actually looks kinda cool! I'm supposed to be doing a science lab I was supposed to do a week ago, but I can't face life atm. Or most of the time to be honest.
17 hours ago · Like
Kitty Kendricks lol,mostppl_cant....this.is.a.painintheASS....oh nd.im.finaly.going.tothe.counselor.tomorrow.
17 hours ago · Like
Fern Siri Wilson good.to.hear. :)
17 hours ago · Like
Kitty Kendricks haha.dont.mock.me.
its.cuz.i.need.new.meds.and.i.cannever.seethe.doc.so.idk.someof.myfriends.wantme.to.start.taking.antidepressants.cuzsomebody.triedto.commitsuicide.last.week.they.took.him.away.....
17 hours ago · Like
Fern Siri Wilson Shit, I've been on suicide watch at school all year, and all they do is call me in to talk to a bunch of different adults, and holy fucking shit the bookshelf was just bouncing up and down... I should go to sleep.
16 hours ago · Like
Fern Siri Wilson Yes, you should be on meds. No, they don't take you away if they can help it. They just talk to you until you regret the whole ordeal, and just want to go to sleep. My case has been classified as an "on campus suicide attempt". How ridiculous is that? But, no, they don't take you away. They'll just talk about wanting to help you until it hurts and you're willing to accept anything for a little peace and quiet in your head.
16 hours ago · Like
Kitty Kendricks suicide attempt???when??? why was i not informed?!?!?!?
all i want to do is sleep anyway. too many migraines and acid
3 hours ago · Like

Life just got Liveable

He spoke to me.
I had one of the shittiest days on record; academic failure, social failure, people told me that my new hair colour made me look like a witch, my friends were honest with me about it and said it looked pretty crappy, but as if to lessen the burden of my lack of visual appeal, they said "You'll be fine, because you're Fern."
Apparently, it is okay for me to look like shit, because I can handle it. Nice try, but no cigar.
Yesterday, Erika, Nia, Kitty, and I spent Halloween on second street. At Powell's Candy Shop we bought a surplus of candy cigarettes, and got a good laugh from inside The Coffee Bean, when Erika walked outside, stood by a man who was loitering in a similarly shady manner, and said "Nice night, eh?" to which the man replied with an equally farinaceous nod.
Then, having received his peripheral attention, she then proceeded to take out one of the candy cigarettes, from the shadow of the side which wasn't facing her audience, and produce a very disturbingly convincing puff of smoke; to which the observer's eyes widened.
Erika, now unable to keep a straight face, laughed, explained, shook hands, returned to her raucous viewers. We laughed until the sugar acid began to re-climb our throats, and then we stopped, "lit up", and laughed again-- a marvellous mixture of sugar, freedom, and adolescence created this euphoric geniality, that I've scarce seen with so many friends from such far corners of my life thrown together.
Nia's diplomatic and broad spectrum personality was really just about right for Kitty's dynamic bipolar personality, and Erika's eccentricity and love-of-life truly added to the congenial effect of the perfect magnum of characters they formed. I've never seen a meeting of friends of mine go so well.

So, here's the plan

10-21-2011
That's the end. Elliott's day. The day I intend to join him. Unless grandma is still around. That is the day that I'll be half his age on his death day.
I've decided that hanging is not my favourite method, because if you do survive that then you're even more brainfucked then you were before; for life.
Sleeping pills aren't such a bad idea; relatively painless, relaxing more or less. Melatonin won't do the job, so I'll have to steal some of Dad's pills. I know it'll be a few seconds of panic, right as I'm going under, and I'll be praying for someone to find me. But, it won't happen. It'll be for the best in the end.
Shooting, obviously, isn't an option, as I haven't even got a gun.
Stabbing as a tribute to Elliott could be one little addition. I ought to memorize that autopsy sketch, so I know right where to do it. I could practice.
Jumping is an option, but not a pretty one. I want to be presentable in death if I can help it.
Cutting my wrists open is another one too, but it's not even a 50-50 chance of succeeding then. Not too clean (unless done in a bath of warm water to speed up/clean up. It's just not very efficient, if you ask me.
Swallowing poison of other sorts, other kinds of od's, just aren't really as practical or atractive for me.

*************************

A change of plans.

Get sleep, take your meds, grow up, stop being a drama queen, think of things in perspective, don't follow in his footsteps, you can love him without being him, be yourself, alive, happy, and free. He chose is way (probably) and you have nothing to do with it. Don't obsess. Let tired souls rest. Don't join them just yet, not until you're sure you've seen the best that this life has to offer in return for all that you've been through, and cherish what you've learned.

Impulse

So, I bleached my hair. I feel like getting a tattoo, I made connections in detention, so I could get one for twenty bucks if I really wanted to. I don't want tb, so I'll wait on that one. I want to dye my hair pink. I want to get multiple peircings. I want to start smoking, start cutting (again), start sleeping around, and riding a motorcycle. I want to get a job and drop out of school. I want to have babies, ride with the hells angels, get addicted to heroin, and fuck up my life in general. I want to shoot a man for the sake of killing. I want to blow out my brains on the lockerroom walls. I want to fuck with the system. I want to get fucked by the system even worse than now. I want to get high.
And why? Because that's the antithesis of everything Esteban, my dear ex-boyflake, liked and knew about me. I want to show him something, teach him something, or just make him notice me again. I don't want to give a fuck about anyone or anything---especially me! I just want to fall like an angel, and fly like the damned. I can't decide I want and can't fucking decide who I am.