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What I wrote, in the forum:
Posted: May 8, 2010 - 9:52 pm

Freak Out

I've managed to miss about half of the school year, due to illness. I'm also late to school every day, because I can't seem to wake up or move in the morning, partially due to insomnia, partially because I completely zone out-- and I mean, I'm not there AT ALL, every few minutes-- and this means I could be pulling on a shirt at 6:20, and then I'll blink and it's 6:40, and I've got the shirt half way over my head. It's not like I chose to daydream, I just randomly zone into this state of total vacancy when I'm tired. Then, I'll feel sick to the stomach, and my dad will be furious because I've missed the bus, which means I make everyone late, because he has to drive me to school, and due to my slowness in the morning and all my minor crises my dad might not have a job any time now, since they're still doing cuts to the schools. Basically, I'll break out in hives due to school anxiety and my sensitive skin, and mornings give me tension headaches which often morph into migraines, and I'll walk into my first class late, and wish I could disappear, but everyone thinks that I think I'm the shizz, that I think that I can do anything I want, and my teachers must feel I have no respect, since I never show up on time, and I don't really deserve any of their respect in my opinion.
Everyone at school dislikes me, and this normally wouldn't phase me, but now I just don't want to show my face anywhere, because I've been late so many times, and everyone seems to think that I like the attention, but I hate it. People all are convinced that I'm a drug addict because I act like I'm stoned when I'm tired, and I act like I'm tripping out when I'm having one of my many anxiety attacks. Basically, they all know, and I know, I don't belong there, and the teachers have no reason to care for me now, and I feel like I've let the world down, and I've got so much work to do right now, I can't even begin to face it. I can't even kill myself, because tomorrow is mothers day, and even though my mother chose to help work at a friend's restaurant on that day so she wouldn't have to spend it with my side of the family, and she chose to go to a movie with my brother yesterday instead to escape the guilt of not doing something for herself on mothers day weekend. So, basically, my grades are shizz, and I really can't see them getting any better, because whatever I say I've done by now really they have no reason to listen, since I've screwed up and managed to lose any credibility I ever had, and I really feel like shizz and I can't seem to tell myself it'll be okay ever with the way it always is with me. I just can't face my work, or failure. I don't want to be me, and I never really have been. I just want people to forget who I am, and I want to erase everything I've ever said or done and just disappear. I think of suicide obsessively, though I know I'd never want to hurt myself while it could still hurt someone else. When my dad and grandmother are gone, I don't really plan to live with myself. My mother really wouldn't hate herself for too long, because I'm sure my younger brother would reassure her that she's worth it, even though I raised him myself, when she left us both to go and be a kid.
Now she's got my new brother, and I love her and I love him too, but I can't help but wonder how long we'll get along this well, and well, to be honest, I can't really ever trust her again.
She gets these insane ideas into her head, and then she believes them, and the worst part is she is so good at embedding them into herself, that people believe her when she tells her lies. She believes all she says, as far as most can tell, but when I caught her up in her own contradictory tales, I see a flicker of fear or doubt for an instant.
We had a falling out two months ago, and that's when I really began to screw things up for myself, and my health declined, at least in my head.

I've got so much work to do, I've made such a mess of things, I can't even bear to see myself in the mirror. I've got so much that I have to do before tomorrow, but I just can't because I have no will or motivation or brain or responsibility or a mix of all of the above. I just really want to curl up in a ball and implode upon myself, but about two hours ago, I was floating on cloud nine, and I hate to enjoy myself these days, because I've finally learned the meaning of "sine wave". Basically, I've got my crest and my trough, and right now I hate them both, because I'm depressed and have a tension headache. I really don't want to worry my dad.