Stan is in college, and it doesn't suck.
Sam isn't talking to me, but she didn't manage to hit an artery, so everything's okay.
Mum said she is considering beginning to forgive my grandmother for whatever injustices she feels were done, all because of Church. I been without faith since the age of seven, but if anything can move my mother to forgive, it is good in my book. I go to church on Sunday with her and pretend to sense a spirit, and then try to telepathically send my "positive" vibes and well-wishing brainwaves to everyone around me, because they are praying for me, and I know that they must feel something.
Grandma cried for joy, having lived to be 95 and here to present me with the gifts she set aside for me, as an infant, to have on my 16th birthday.
Dylan is taking me to the premier of his movie tomorrow.
I am going to see Esteban tomorrow.
Esteban kissed me today, and I licked his fingers, and loved the taste of salt and living, and I loved the smell of his breath, it was minty and yet different from your average minty gum scent, it was beautiful, and he was gorgeous, and he was going Vampire on my neck, and if that was the joy of just having him touch my skin there, then I can't imagine what it is like to have sex.
He is heaven. I don't know what he sees in me. I will probably bore him in a week, I'm not that interesting, but for now I just want to trace the intricacies of his beautiful living face, and I was to taste the salt on his skin, and I want to go insane with my adolescent hormones raging through every blood vessel and the charge that explodes through every neuron, neurotransmitter, and synapse.
Today was perfect in every way.
I got two hours of sleep last night, wide awake with excitement, then I woke up already tingling with energy and momentum, and then I was at school, and it seemed like ages waiting for him. Then, he was there. It wasn't my wild imagination, he was there, and I wanted to cave into him.
I'm just as dramatic as ever.
But, I am finally beginning to understand Romeo and Juliet. I was their #1 critic last year, I argued "infatuation, it's only this, and nothing near to love they are feeling", but now my teen-aged brain understands the exact sort of throb they were feeling. We really met last week, but already it feels like we've always been, and it's completely right.
I doubt we will last, I mean-- look at poor Juliet. If I don't get over myself and learn to slow-the-fuck-down I'll end up just like her; dead or worse.
I don't want to slow down. Every fibre of my being calls me on, and I am a slave to that. I love the feeling I feel for him right now. I love every moment of his presence. Now I understand that hollow feeling of alone that for all these years I never understood. I never knew loneliness was the meaning, but now I feel the tug of future loneliness, but more than that, I feel the gravity of all I feel with him, and Esteban alone, at this very moment.
It's almost like it was written in the stars. I feel for Romeo,
Do those stars that shine so bright tonight, hidden behind their shroud of smog truly wink of knowing fate, or do they wink in the wake of this "love", as they would have it.
Good god, I hope it means something, it really does feel that way. My first. My first.
I love to put my hand in his, so that we are palm to palm, and I secretly recite my lines in my head:
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